Skater A Exposed & Ramp Jam report.

Like biker wannabe's with their Harley t-shirts, theirs alot of dudes out there sporting Skull Skates hoodies and Independant hats and vests of patches that I never see at the local skateboarding park. Posers. This little rip is about a dude who doesn’t just pose but rides woods too.
This dude shall be referred to as "skater A". We shall withhold his name to protect the innocent from the shame. The innocent are his wife and family. Skater A is a stand up kook that would get in his truck at 3:00 am and rescue you from some bad situation like the police are at your door and you’re out of amo or you just need a litre of milk. He's a hard workin fellow at his job and home. He loves his family, his country and his team. But most of all he loves to skate. As the rain falls Skater A built a three foot high half-pipe in his two bay carport and made the wife park her Jag outside. The ramp's outer decor is a kosy popery of beach logs, tiki torches, Hi-Fi stereo for dancing and a woodstove for fires. Skater A is white so sometimes when he's having a hard time getting the woodstove going a few of us partial breeds or even the odd full breed FN will get the thing going for him. Don't get me wrong he is proud of his white heritage and believes in unity and peace of all peoples... even if you are a fuckin nazi. Anyway, his little ramp has become the hotspot for mid-week evening sessions. These sessions attract skaters of all ages, style and gender. Gender... the first glance of skater A you might question it. He's trim yes, but sometimes when things get really pumping in the half-pipe he removes his shirt to sport the smoothest pierced breasts and heart tattoos that make you wonder what gender he actually is. Still the hot spot attracts the folks for these heated sessions, basically because it’s probably the only covered skate ramp in Vic during this rainy season.
So now the story begins, the announcement called for an evening of top dog Teem Shitty steaks in the barby and a yard full of the dirtiest skateboarders in the city. For some reason the other skate teams that frequent the ramp didn’t show, what gives HTO and Coastline crews… yous to good for skater A’s birthday? Yes it was skater A’s 30th birthday and dang thar was a good birthday session. The fridge was full of cans of that shit our government sells to drink and some of the pockets where full of that shit the hippies and presidents used to smoke. I was partaking in none of that garbage so I dug deep in the fridge and found a Full-Throttle viagra drink . The babaque was smoking and the meat was being consumed just like a scene in the caveman movie Quest for Fire. It was good to see a few mainlanders and even a San Francisco import showed up for this birthday shoot-out booze up.
The absolute music was playing and the spurts of sessions had begun on the half-pipe. The first shoot-out on the ramp was the women’s category. The first to drop in was Blind Marc, his first run landed him a slashin backside grind on the coping to a mild backside switchblade to barrel roll onto the flat and yes the guy is blind! Next up is Beardoooo, now lately this doode is winning hands down on this half-pipe, giving it a taste of old school. Boneless, grabbed airs, five-ohs, and lean to tails. His run is tasty. I barge in and drop in feeling my gut full of Full-Throttle work. I show these freaks a thing or two about grinds, and grind a pound off my gut with sweat ending my run in a bad invert attempt that looks like I’m break dancing. Master fancy-foot Lief drops in for a flawless run of kik flips and ollies and floaty airs that leave you looking for his wings. “Who cares tattoo”, snakes in for his run of bulky yet smooth 50-50s and rocks that don’t hang up but should. Muddy also takes his share grinds and five-ohs. Freestyle chose to sit this grudge match out and for he had nothing to prove with his Banderez hair-do. A hand full of other locos like Jerk Warren and Binjun took runs of equal aggression. All the kooks finished their runs and now the birthday boy slipped in for his turn. The crowd parted as skater A raised his arms and began his dance on his ramp. He was busting tricks that no one had ever seen before. A Dawson Creek, a whipshank, some doo-kicks and again a swack of panty-ohs and when his run was finished the crowd really didn’t give a shit. The judges continued to drink and the women’s shoot-out was over, no winners where had this evening. The dust was settling when all of a sudden there was a horrible fire. It was “who cares tattoo” and his leg warmers where a blaze with the soft sent of leg hair filling the air. No-body was sure how this horrible thing happened and some suspect arson but only our Captain knows for sure. The clock struck twelve bells and I loaded the van up with a handful of the oldest loaded JaKs, half of them asleep, the other half mumbling various dialects, and we headed back to our homeland. Skater A was left in the sea of cans and just as we crested the hill the coppers paddy wagon came to clean up the rest of the shin dig! Skater A celebrated in true….. ahhh teenage fashion. Happy 30th birthday bro. Blind Marc will also be 30 this year so line up girls!

Stay tuned next issue when I expose “Skater B” -ricky jak